The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
