this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
