I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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