I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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