I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I believe in your delicious
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
