I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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