if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
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What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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