when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
