Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
