Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
