I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
