does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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