How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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