I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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