I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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