I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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