"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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