Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
