just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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