There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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