fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
