Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
