I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
