we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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