the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
