I can text with my tongue
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
