I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
