I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
