I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
