there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
