I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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