so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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