forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
