I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
