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Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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