Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
