please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Actions speak louder than pants.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
