I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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