sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
