Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
