I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
