I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize