I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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