Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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