Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
