tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
