My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
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All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.