I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
