Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
