I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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