So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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