I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he shaved USA in his pubs
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Boobs are out for the taking
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
