Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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